Amateur Sage Gifts

'Sometimes I see problems and solutions with such clarity, I feel I've been infused with all the wisdom of the ages... THAT'S when I know I've had too much to drink.'

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

The Lion, the witch and the flat-pack self-assembly wardrobe: lion and witch putting a wardrobe together.

"But how do I accomplish that in 140 characters or less?"

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

'So far we don't have any suspects.'

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

"I wish you people would just read the blog."

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

"I found a partial thumbprint. Let's get the heck out of here"

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

Man having picture of caught fish sees that cat has eaten it.

"I totally forgot what I came up here for."

'He's not having an affair Ma'am: He goes out at night mainly to chase cars and eat from garbage bins...'

'No, even I don't know the secret of golf.'

"I love people-watching."

'Not only is he a good hunting dog he's a good watch dog.'

'So then I thought, what's the idea job for a gentleman with my years of experience, wisdom and a desire to help others.'

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

"Always stay rooted, or you'll turn into a tumbleweed..."

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

'Now that WE'VE found the secret message we will respond by not telling anyone.'

'When the time comes, Goopta, I'd like to be bronzed.'

'If he's innocent, why does he need such a hot-shot lawyer?'

"Of course being celibate, all my advice is second-hand via the internet..."

Wang Yangming takes a scroll of knowledge from a crane.

Sherlock Holmes and the case of the tea.

'Off hand, I'd say it's a head trauma caused by a blunt instrument.'

God started to wonder if his spam filter was too effective.