Amateur Sage Pillows

'Sometimes I see problems and solutions with such clarity, I feel I've been infused with all the wisdom of the ages... THAT'S when I know I've had too much to drink.'

"But how do I accomplish that in 140 characters or less?"

A daily rubdown with a beard brush will wrangle awkward bristles and train them downwards...

The Lion, the witch and the flat-pack self-assembly wardrobe: lion and witch putting a wardrobe together.

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

One can hardly be expected to solve the riddle of existence without a computer

"I wish you people would just read the blog."

'So far we don't have any suspects.'

"The truth? You can't HANDLE the truth!"

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

"I found a partial thumbprint. Let's get the heck out of here"

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

'No, even I don't know the secret of golf.'

'Not only is he a good hunting dog he's a good watch dog.'

"I love people-watching."

"I totally forgot what I came up here for."

Man having picture of caught fish sees that cat has eaten it.

'He's not having an affair Ma'am: He goes out at night mainly to chase cars and eat from garbage bins...'

'So then I thought, what's the idea job for a gentleman with my years of experience, wisdom and a desire to help others.'

"Rough year?" (2021 new year baby asking 2020 old year man)

"Of course being celibate, all my advice is second-hand via the internet..."

'If he's innocent, why does he need such a hot-shot lawyer?'

'When the time comes, Goopta, I'd like to be bronzed.'

'Now that WE'VE found the secret message we will respond by not telling anyone.'

Wang Yangming takes a scroll of knowledge from a crane.

'Seriously, your ululation is good enough for American Idol.'

'Wh-h-hatz-u-upp, dude?'

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

"Always stay rooted, or you'll turn into a tumbleweed..."

Sherlock Holmes and the case of the tea.

'Off hand, I'd say it's a head trauma caused by a blunt instrument.'