Amateur Coach Gifts

What football coaches and players can learn from a loss

"Just be yourself."

I like the Jets...I guess

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"I hate performance review season."

"First cook the cake, then apply icing sugar and candles..."

'I've tried all night without potting a ball.' - 'Try taking away the wooden frame.'

Too much cilantro

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"Remember, kids, it's not winning that matters, it's getting a clean urine sample that's important."

'Who I played in Summer Stock.'

'Unbelievable, these guys brought a ringer.'

"Today we are going to find out if you can that leap."

'Why do I need to clean the fish? -- Didn't you just take them out of the WATER?'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"I'm watching the dog cheat at solitaire."

"What do you mean it's not 'Thong Thursday?'"

Tom Hanks

'I made your favorite for dinner — pterodactyl nuggets!'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

'Quit clowning about, Fred.'

When Tia Carmen says... "A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner" it means "I can fix it with a hammer."

'Enjoy your meal - but be warned we have a very bad tempered chef.'

"Darling, I never realised how talented you weren't!"

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

Cat Cooking Bird.

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

'You want to see a list of ingredients? -- Are you trying to make trouble?'

"You're way too strong Dad: You've overshot the green by about two hundred metres..."

"We like to think of ourselves as a very progressive company. After all, a little self-delusion never hurt anyone."

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"