Alumni Ponderer Gifts

"If you didn't want to feel inferior to your classmates, you shouldn't have gone to such a good school."

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

Historical memory is on life support.

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Academic freedom doesn't mean you're free not to study."

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'I like the history professor but I think he's mired in the past.'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'At least I don't have his life.'

Master's Degrees of the Universe

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Egad! It's the ghosts of sanity past!'

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

Diversity Does Not Include Class

History Department: 'I used to be a revisionist myself, you know!'

'Tsk...woolly thinking again.'

"I wish I'd failed my 11 Plus too...."

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

Biden Workload

"Who has the most power... the president or his wife?"

Made It! Without getting one tattoo.

"I burden you with the national debt, you burden your kids with it, and so on. . ."

'When will it be o.k. to feel irrationally exuberant again?'

'The mind-body problem is best expressed in the formulation...OOf!'

The past only looks good when you're living in the present.

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

"The Founding Fathers?! Ha! That’ll never stick!"

Grading Guidelines.

"If you never date a prediction it can't be proved wrong."

Professor, I think you'll find the concepts I present in this paper, even in their embryonic stages, hang in the delicate balance between that which is mnemonically incredible and that which is sheer genius! ... Then again, they could have simply been the

Your weight and fortune. What you'll weigh now...what you'll weigh 10 years from now.

Hmmm... what's my real purpose? Why am I here? - 'Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Let me guess!' - 'Go on, then.' - 'Is your life a homage mediocrity?' - 'Ouch.' - 'Quizzes are fun! Ask me more!' -