Alma Mater Advocates Gifts

'And remember you success will be measured by how much money you donate to the universities alumni fund.'

"HR-bill 9495. Cutting down non-profits."

Scarcity

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

'We'd like to form a support group for homework anxiety.'

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Max Weber

"SUPERintendent! What kind of powers do you have?"

'After being here for more than forty years - as undergraduate, graduate student instructor, professor - what saddens me most is that this was not the college of my choice.'

"I'm not going to shoot the messenger, but I'm also not going to renew his grant."

Psychology Dept. Faculty Evaluations Today. I can't tell if it's my id or my ego, but I'm really craving a promotion.

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

Horace Mann

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

Cambridge Dons Researching Gravity.

'I haven't been campaigning for a creche all these years for nothing - you're going!'

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

'There'll be a slight delay. The chef is cramming for his nutrition finals.'

'That should be good for quite a few doctoral dissertations in the future.'

'That's it?'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

Emile Durkheim

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

Let me guess...you peed on your homework again!

"It's not just the church that needs evangelists. So does big oil."

"Since I know you got your book report off the internet, and you know I got my math lesson off the internet, I guess we're even."

The Cheddar College for Extra Mature Students

"School is loverly this time of year."

'I admit I copied all my essays from the internet.'

"You'd think a Humanities professor would be more lenient in her grading."

'First, you have to get their attention.'

'Whoa! We sure blew that prediction!'

Dogs are in line waiting to take the 'S.A.T' test..