Alcohol Humorist Pillows

Dowser and Beer

Drunken rooster has a hangover while sun rises.

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Man...You age great!'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

Teapot

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

Join me in a beer?

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"It's for his shakes."

'It's time you booked yourself into rehab!'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"Tell me more about your problem - I understand it's drink related."

'Can't you come up with something more elegant than 'Dave's Homemade Booze'?'

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

'I'm having what he's having.'

"Wow, that's amazing! I've only been to this bar once before. I'm surprised you remembered my round!"

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

'Two pints of blonde please.'

People talking through a stethoscope.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"It's disappointing, but if that's the biggest you've got ..."