Drinking Humorist Pillows

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Man...You age great!'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"What other tricks does he need?"

Teapot

"Of course I've been drinking!"

'You've had enough!'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

Join me in a beer?

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

"It's for his shakes."

'Looks like another typical caffeine overdose.'

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

"Well, team....time to trade our 'You Got This!' coffee mugs to the 'Mistakes Were Made' mugs."

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'Can't you come up with something more elegant than 'Dave's Homemade Booze'?'

To make your computer faster, please pour two cups of Espresso into your CD drive.

Do not allow your owner to foul the footpath.

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

People talking through a stethoscope.

"I'm not sure I can really help you. I've dealt with hundreds of rodent infestations, but I've never even heard of Beerkats!"

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.