Airline Comedy Connoisseur Gifts

"Arr, we found your luggage, Captain."

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

"It's my helper trout!"

Vampire on a plane

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

"You have luggage? - Oh, we don't do LUGGAGE any more."

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

"I only have one suitcase, so what's the problem?"

A signaller directing pallbearers

"We'll let you know when we find your luggage. Meanwhile, you qualified for our frequent lost luggage club."

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'Stop complaining. We can't afford business class any more.'

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"Please remove your shoes, realize you forgot to wear socks, accept your fate, and make peace with your god."

I brake for Jetliners.

Travel Law #135: Those with window seats are the last to arrive.' People climb over other passengers on an airplane.

Sometimes they need the oxygen mask after they see the new baggage fees.

'How the heck are we supposed to land on a runway that's upside down?'

I was telling him a story of my granddaughter's wedding.

Grim reaper struggles to get his scythe in the overhead locker of an aeroplane.

"You think you're annoyed? The acoustics in here are terrible!"

'Wait, what's that on runway one?...Ok I got it, just another one of those budget carriers.'

'You've got to admire their candor.'

Airlines Charge For...Aisle seats, Exit seats, carry-on luggage...

Revealing Airport Security

"In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion is also a whoopee cushion."

'Folks, the airline regrets the crash, but it will provide you a life jacket at one hundred dollars each.'

'Welcome to crash-test flight 000. Go ahead and take your seat!'

"Sir, you've been downgraded to the baggage compartment."

'What's the best way to get to the nearest Post Office?' 'By Easyjet.'

'We had to lop off part of the airline to cut costs.'

"Oh yeah, I forgot to ask. 'did you want anything to drink?'"

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

"What already?"