Ailment Aficionado Gifts

'I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you... You're a hypochondriac.' 'Gasp! I knew it.'

"Of all my ailments, the one I come to see about is my favorite."

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

Agility God

Hacking through ice in order to fish

Kid to fellow fisherman: 'Why do they stink like fish when they've been bathing this whole time?'

"Lovely dovetail."

'When I met him he was all bright and shiny - now he's a rust bucket.'

Knights of the bedside table.

Wonders of Evolution: This species has developed an unusual protective shell.

In case of emergency - use tin opener...

Vivienne Westwood

"That thermostat I bought is smart. It knows how cheap I am, so it keeps our home freezing."

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

Man indignant at having caught no fish

Gadzook used armour. Only one careful owner.

"Pretty cushy, am I right?"

"Just the slippers is fine!"

The latest in Eyewear.

New and Used Armor. Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ow! I told you to spring for the under-coating option.

'Frank, I think it's about time you bought another pair of boots.'

Knight walking a dog.

'Sounds like it'll flop.'

Four fishermen catch the same fish.

"Please mum - not the baby photos."

Soldier watering camouflage plants on troops' helmets.

'It never fails. The mud's always one inch higher than my boots.'

"So, professor, in a post-industrial robotic universe, what would be the role of politicians?"

Banting in the Yeomanry

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

"What, another live person?! Listen, do you have any computers over there I can speak with?"

Bakery. The smell of freshly baked bread is the only truly perfect man-made thing on earth.

Knight school.