Aging Advocate Pillows

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

Sir Isaac Newton Sucks!

'Rex is saying that, in dog years, he's old enough to sit on the panel.'

'Sounds like his prostate is acting up....'

"I assure you that you don't have Alzheimer's because you paid my fee last week."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Your contents have shifted."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

"It's completely normal for someone your age to develop a taste for butterscotch."

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

'I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.'

"I come from the future."

'Tell the doctor to hurry. It's an emergency. I just turned middle aged!'

"Someone to see you!"

"Well, Dr. Garcia said he's doing all he can, but he can't make me any younger. But I don't care about getting younger. I just want to keep getting older."

A senior moment.

'Doctor, how can I prevent wrinkles? Don't sleep in your clothes.'

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the best facelift of them all?

"When I was your age I would have snagged that before it hit the ground."

'Of course I'll love you when you 'go grey'... Why shouldn't I... I've loved you through six other shades!'

'I wish I had more hair.' 'Don't be a silly billy. You've got plenty of hair. Here's your bald, I mean your boiled, egg.'

'You know you're getting older when the old 'fire in your belly' is actually acid reflux.

An extremely general practitioner

"Another birthday. I feel like a dinosaur."

'The sleigh's at the Smithsonian, the reindeer are at the museum of natural history, and Santa is at a retirement community somewhere in Florida.'

"I think my fat has GPS. Every time I lose some, it always finds its way back home."

"Of course you're tired. In dog years you're no G-Z'er, you're a boomer."

"I was on hormone replacement for two years before I realized I needed Steve replacement."

"I don't feel ready to commit to a cacoon, either, but do you ever worry we'll wake up one day and be forty and still caterpillars?"