Aggressive Investor Gifts

'Harley manages our most aggressive growth fund.'

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"What do you mean, the market rallied?"

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"I crunched the numbers until cautiously opportunistic."

'Investors Chronicle' "How do I know whether to buy it or not?"

'What's the difference between exchange-traded derivatives and swaps?'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

At The Clown Bank.

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'It was the best of investment times, it was the worst of investment times...' (A Tale of Two Markets).

"Actually, 'Monkey see, monkey do' has served me quite well in this market."

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

'Isn't that your stockbroker?'

'He made a lot of money investing in what he knew - dog biscuit and rawhide bone futures.'

'Great. Now that I've got a better idea of your tolerance for risk, I have a few investments to recommend.'

'I didn't ask you to help me when it was $90 an ounce, and I didn't ask you to help me when it was $110 an ounce. But when it's $400 an ounce...'

'I realize this might be carping but I never did live long enough to enjoy my IRA account.'

'Today I invested in some Chinese stocks, but I felt greedy again in an hour.'

'He's back! He just couldn't stand the idea of the stock market going up without him.'

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

"We offer a short-term high yield bond fund that may fit your particular investing priorities."

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

"He manages a broad stock index fund."

"on the contrary, the fund's performance has been quite good when viewed in dog's years."

'On Wall Street today, ther was good news if you're a masochist.'

Jeff discovered a new bank account where his money would always be safe.