Aggressive Investor Pillows

'Harley manages our most aggressive growth fund.'

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"What do you mean, the market rallied?"

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

'Investors Chronicle' "How do I know whether to buy it or not?"

"I crunched the numbers until cautiously opportunistic."

'What's the difference between exchange-traded derivatives and swaps?'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

At The Clown Bank.

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'It was the best of investment times, it was the worst of investment times...' (A Tale of Two Markets).

"Actually, 'Monkey see, monkey do' has served me quite well in this market."

'Great. Now that I've got a better idea of your tolerance for risk, I have a few investments to recommend.'

'Isn't that your stockbroker?'

Help! Author of the best-selling book, 'How to invest' - but lost it all in the stock market.

'He made a lot of money investing in what he knew - dog biscuit and rawhide bone futures.'

'I realize this might be carping but I never did live long enough to enjoy my IRA account.'

'I didn't ask you to help me when it was $90 an ounce, and I didn't ask you to help me when it was $110 an ounce. But when it's $400 an ounce...'

'Today I invested in some Chinese stocks, but I felt greedy again in an hour.'

Circus. It's been fun working with these circus performers on their financial planning. Those clowns are serious savers! Yeah, they've cut expenses by carpooling. The highwire walker wants a portfolio with a mixture of stocks and bonds. Having balance is her highest priority! And the lion tamer is interested only in very safe investments --- He has zero tolerance for more risk in his life. Our last meeting today is with the trapeze artist. What is your net worth? Every penny it cost!

"We offer a short-term high yield bond fund that may fit your particular investing priorities."

"Repent! Or your return on investment shall wither and there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Accounts Receivable."

'He's back! He just couldn't stand the idea of the stock market going up without him.'

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'

The world can fry like a chip and end tomorrow as far as I'm concerned! I've made sure all my money is safe.

"He manages a broad stock index fund."

'On Wall Street today, ther was good news if you're a masochist.'

Jeff discovered a new bank account where his money would always be safe.