Accident-prone Humorist Pillows

'This is your lucky day!'

'He's so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started happening to someone else.'

"274 meters of bandage - It looks as though you're going to make the Guiness Book of Records, Mr Henderson!"

'You forgot the product label.'

A Not So Grand Slam.

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'How was my emergency stop?'

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

"And WHATEVER you do DON'T FALL DOWN THE STEPS or put your finger in the ELECTRICITY socket."

Cotton candy

Man who has crashed his safety bicycle

'I swear this self driving car is falsifying it's records to avoid an insurance rate hike."

'Do you remember what make of car it was, sir? -- We'll have to order parts.'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'It doesn't work...'

"And hold the mayo."

'Number of days since last accident' a man is falling off of ladder while trying to post numbers...

"Well done!"

"Of all the vehicles in heaven and you had to rear-end his car?"

Man crashes his car before leaving the driveway because he forgot his glasses.

Please Don't Ask...

"Rodent droppings? Hey! We were wondering where they'd got to!"

'The hook was too dangerous.'

Bad experiences at an early age can affect the whole life.

"Don't worry. The mechanic says he can fix the car as soon as he gets it out of the wall."

'You wrecked ANOTHER snowmobile?'

Mobile library.

Dinosaur crossing sign.

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'

Flammabull.

'Sylvia? It's Allen. Listen, I accidentally left the shop with a knee ligament kit...Yeah, yeah, I know. I am an idiot. Anyway, could you send someone out pronto with the kit for rotator cuffs?'

Speed laws enforced by gawkers at accidents.