Accident Prone Appreciator Pillows

Servant who has broken her mistress' new milk jug

Finally! A cure for the common cold!

"I speak Latin, you know."

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"Kiss, you idiot. Not hiss."

"I like to stay on top of things."

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

"Your antique gold watch didn't float."

I need a raise. This is no time to joke. I've been on a buying binge at the iPhone app store and I can't pay my credit card. These apps are worth it. They're life-changing, they're

"It's an adjustment being a handshake guy in a fist-bump company."

"I knew you was mad when you tried to sell me to them "American Pickers" fellers."

"And with that being said Polly became dinner." "Polly wanna cracker?" "Polly wanna piece of yo mama's sweet behind." "Oh boy..."

'Not only the first wheel, the first road accident as well!'

"Careful now. It's fragile."

"I made a big mistake getting into ladies underwear..."

"Do you know what time they open love?"

Colin had heard that women liked honesty in men.

"I really think I can handle this date on my own."

'The good news is we've found life on Mars. The bad news is we ran over it.'

Clown Airbags.

'I don't know anything about art and I don't know what I like.'

'Yes,I did order an extra barrel,but for my shotgun.'

'...and bring a friend. If you have one...'

"I don't know who on Facebook told you, but I can assure you Stradivarius didn't make accordions!"

'When I asked for a bottle of house red...'

Deadpan Delivery.

Quasimodo Drops a Clanger

"If only these kids had grown up with the same role models we had, then maybe they wouldn't look so damn ridiculous!"

Any old Gold - 'There's a man ahead of his time'

Hedgehogs revenge.

'I believe this is one of the original sets'

'The return of the Jehovah's Witnesses'

'Gail, my dear, please don't talk about sex - my God this is a restaurant!'

Here Lies Bill Smith, Victim of a Mad Axe Murderer, Rest in Pieces