Academic Performance Gifts

'They're not the exam results, headmaster. They're the truancy figures.'

"There is no complaint department, Robert."

'Even Kevin Yomp got an 'A' - grade inflation is so unfair'

"I can't believe it...a 'B' average on my report card? I'm not that smart! The theories of probability predict it's likely that the school's data system somehow encountered a catastrophic breakdown."

"Where are redactions when you need them?"

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Just be yourself."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Finally, after years of work, irrefutable proof that I'm a nerd."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"There's something weird about Emily. She actually likes school!"

'They all want to play the star.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

Snowprov

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"A student skipped a model U.N. meeting – now he's claiming diplomatic immunity."

'You need an education or you will wind up in some fast food place.'

U of Debt

Exam

"Can you change this quiz grade from an A to a C? I like to keep expectations low until I blow my parents' mind by acing the final exam."

'What's play?'

"So, what's gonna be your favorite class?"

'May I be excused? I just checked my college investment portfolio online, and I feel sick.'

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

Primitive magician

'He's maturing early.'

"How was work?"

"I figured out how to raise my grades."

His Master's Thesis.