Academic Dreamer Gifts

We realise you do better on your I.Q. tests than you do in anything else, but you just cannot major in I.Q.

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'I'm sorry but you don't get any credit for giving it 'the old college try'.

'I haven't been in any academic journals but I do get my Tweets re-Tweeted a lot.'

"If artificial intelligence is the wave of the future, why am I knocking my brains out to get food grades?"

Good luck in your A Levels.

I tried to take eighteen credits

Tunnel of I Like You but I'm just really busy right now with grad school and stuff.

"Being a post-doc for thirty years can really screw up your life."

"Let's play grown-ups. I'll be the tenured professor. You can be the per-diem teaching assistant."

"I'm going to major in history, so I thought prehistory might help."

"This is unbelievable. I think I forgot to graduate."

"At this rate, Jason, you'll never be googled."

"Today we're filling out mock college applications."

"Look, we don't do grants up here, so there's no point in writing grant applications."

"Somewhere, there's an A with my name on it, but apparently not my address."

'I'm sorry, but you can't use the hope of tenure as collateral...'

"I'm looking for an employer whose performance standards are as rigorous as those of the college I graduated from!"

'I had that crazy dream again where my skin is all rolled up and handed to students in some sort of bizarre ritual at the end of the school year'

"What are we gonna tell the grant committee, professor? We've spent all the money and we still don't understand women."

"I love academe. And academe loves me to death. But crap, I'm just not in love."

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'And finally, if you're going to commit a felony, do it before ol' dad incurs the high cost of tuition.'

"First I'm getting a Bachelor's Degree, the a Master's Degree, then a Doctor's Degree!"

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

The fate of the emigrant

In the future, human thought will enter an age of clarity and purity never before dreamed of.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"Make a lot of money."

'Desert island cartoons - and you?'

'Remember, Edward, inside every 'F' student is a 'D' student trying to get out.'

Continuing education.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

Exam