Academia Admirers Gifts

'She didn't want to go out with you even though you told her you had a h-index of 37! Boy I don't understand women!'

Scientists are sexy

'As I walk through the halls, I see teachers teaching and students learning and I say to myself, 'what wonderful school, what a wonderful world.''

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

Ten Years to get the Ph.D

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"I worked my way up from a goddamn steamboat - I am the American Dream."

We learn by doing

'Where do you get your ideas from?'

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Faust

'...then I got my masters in psychology, and a year later I earned my Ph.D. in sociology. By the time I get my master in math and my doctorate in history, I'll be ready to retire.'

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

'You've spent the last 20 years in college. What made you stop hiding from the real world?'

'What I don't understand, is how a guy named Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart stayed out of fights long enough to compose any music.'

'There'll be a slight delay. The chef is cramming for his nutrition finals.'

'That should be good for quite a few doctoral dissertations in the future.'

"And now, we embark on a new chapter..."

'That's because they won't let you die until you pay your student loans.'

American high street

"If you insist on giving me a gift for being accepted into Oxford, I could use a new DVD player...gift wrapped in a BMW."

'Trapped I am afraid in the rut of originality.'

Let me guess...you peed on your homework again!

"Isn't that cute? He's reading his diplomas again."

"I'm very proud of the grade A's, son, but what about these grade B smalls?"

Why The Other DInosaurs Couldn't Stand The Thesaurus

"We just want you to know that wherever you wind up going to college is fine with us, as long as it's someplace we can brag about to our friends."

'You need to get your grades up...because good grades are an early sign of good credit scores.'

Sherlock Holmes gets back at Professor Moriarty through reduced research funding.

'I think we're on different career paths.'

"School is loverly this time of year."

"You'd think a Humanities professor would be more lenient in her grading."

Oxford tour guides