Academia Gifts

"An excellent defense. Let's give her the doctorate."

Principal: 'Is THERE a DOCTORATE in the House?!'

"I'll thank you not to quote Yeats, Godel, or any other reminders of college loan debt."

"Daddy works in a magical, faraway land called Academia."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

Washington Crossing the Delaware, Having Been Invited to Join the Faculty at Princeton

Two Barbarians and a Professor of Barbarian Studies

'Professor, Professor, the slaves are, I mean, the PhD students are revolting!'

Most scientists regard the new streamlined peer-review process as 'quite an improvement'.

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

'We collaborate. I'm an expert, but not an authority, and Dr Gelbis is an authority, but not an expert.'

"They're harmless when they're alone, but get a bunch of them together with a research grant and watch out."

"Today, class, I'm proud to announce my tenure."

Struggling Scientist, Please cite my papers.

Ethics exam cheater.

'It started with a simple case of peer review.'

'Our proposal didn't get the grant, but they want us to teach proposal writing.'

'What did you put down for the definition of plagiarism?'

The Academic Brain, showing parts: teach, write, do research, and (the largest part) serve on committees.

Stuff you need to know/Stuff You Can Do Without.

'Of course creative writing is important. You want to write home for money when you go away to college,don't you?'

'Congratulations, your days of avoiding the real world are finally over.'

'Please help, ma'am. I need support to write my Ph.D. dissertation on 'Successful fund-raising techniques'.'

Chaos Theory Conference.

'And in conclusion.'

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

'Fred, rumor has it you're closing in on some profound, elemental truth about the universe, and I wanted to remind you that our research funding specifically prohibits that!'

"And then after high school, I spent twelve years in college and majored in procrastination."

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Graduate School: That's right,,,You're STILL here,

'It's an ethical dilemna now: We have solved the problem but still have two years of funding through our research grant...'

'Perpetual Sutdent Syndrome Clinic' Director: R. Chones, BA, MA, PhD, MSW, MBA.

'I admit I fabricated data, but I didn't falsify any, and I didn't plagiarize.'

"...get in there and make my post docs fall in love with their research."

He's got 'I'm in grant renewal heaven' all over him.