Academics Gifts

"I've learned a lot in sixty-three years. But, unfortunately, almost all of it is about aluminum."

'Be advised the information herein may not be current and is subject to change. Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results.'

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Since college admissions officers might see his Facebook page...

The bane of every college applicant: the admissions essay.

Bigger Brain

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

Examinations.

''Excellent','excellent','a delight' - for heaven's sake, don't you ever feel like rebelling a bit?'

Football team discussions.

'The good news is that you don't have any long-term memory loss. The bad news is it's all MIDTERM memory loss.'

'Tell us, in layman's terms, what your breakthrough means.'

"I've always dreamed of being on an academic team like this! It's great that we can all depend on each other!"

'At this point, I'm taking it one paradigm at a time.'

'While outsourcing is a common business practice, you may not ousource your research and homework assignments, Fletcher.'

And if you go for your Masters', we'll throw in your PH.D. at no extra charge.

'He's on a roll.'

'Well, if you can't be an honor student, can't you at least cheat off one?'

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

"I'd like to extend a special welcome to those of you who are joining us for the first time, as part of a nightmare you're having."

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd saved to send me to a private school.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"It's no my fault I got a D. The system is broken."

'I plagiarized my report because I thought it bears repeating.'

'I like going to Catholic school. I need to be able to pray before tests.'

'I was made Professor Emeritus before my time.'

'Give me one of your lectures, Dad - I can't sleep!'

I'm sure it's here somewhere!

"I figured out how to raise my grades."

A basketball match

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'You're not very sharp, are you?'

Blew off my S.A.T. prep class.

'I don't think of them as bad grades - More like sobering statistics.'

'If you wanted a kid with a good report card, you both should have married someone with brains.'