Academics Gifts

"I've learned a lot in sixty-three years. But, unfortunately, almost all of it is about aluminum."

'Be advised the information herein may not be current and is subject to change. Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results.'

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Bigger Brain

Examinations.

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

''Excellent','excellent','a delight' - for heaven's sake, don't you ever feel like rebelling a bit?'

'Tell us, in layman's terms, what your breakthrough means.'

Football team discussions.

"I've always dreamed of being on an academic team like this! It's great that we can all depend on each other!"

'At this point, I'm taking it one paradigm at a time.'

'He's on a roll.'

'While outsourcing is a common business practice, you may not ousource your research and homework assignments, Fletcher.'

'Well, if you can't be an honor student, can't you at least cheat off one?'

And if you go for your Masters', we'll throw in your PH.D. at no extra charge.

"You're kidding! You count S.A.T.s?"

"I'd like to extend a special welcome to those of you who are joining us for the first time, as part of a nightmare you're having."

"It's no my fault I got a D. The system is broken."

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd saved to send me to a private school.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'I plagiarized my report because I thought it bears repeating.'

Blew off my S.A.T. prep class.

I'm sure it's here somewhere!

"I figured out how to raise my grades."

A basketball match

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

'I like going to Catholic school. I need to be able to pray before tests.'

'Give me one of your lectures, Dad - I can't sleep!'

'I was made Professor Emeritus before my time.'

'You're not very sharp, are you?'

'But in the Global Marketplace you're only 650,247,555th.'

'I don't think of them as bad grades - More like sobering statistics.'

"He's surprisingly good at small talk."

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

'I've been learning a lot, but I do terribly on tests.'