Academic Gifts

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

"An excellent defense. Let's give her the doctorate."

"I'll thank you not to quote Yeats, Godel, or any other reminders of college loan debt."

'We like to bring together people from radically different fields and wait for the friction to produce heat, light and magic. Sometimes it takes a while.'

'In the future, that should produce thousands of PhD theses.'

"Daddy works in a magical, faraway land called Academia."

'First date with a logician - These venn Diagrams will save us a lot of time. We'll see where you fit in, where I fit in, and if any of it overlaps'

"Doctor Jekyll and Doctor Hyde."

"Before I was Socrates, I was Socrates the adjunct professor struggling to get tenure."

Two Barbarians and a Professor of Barbarian Studies

'Professor, Professor, the slaves are, I mean, the PhD students are revolting!'

'This must be Fibonacci's.'

"I've learned a lot in sixty-three years. But, unfortunately, almost all of it is about aluminum."

"But enough about this for a while, gentlemen. Let's talk about real estate."

Most scientists regard the new streamlined peer-review process as 'quite an improvement'.

'It's a foolproof formula for writing grant applications.'

Can you do another draft of this? There's still a couple of sentences people might understand

"I just feel fortunate to live in a world with so much disinformation at my fingertips."

'We collaborate. I'm an expert, but not an authority, and Dr Gelbis is an authority, but not an expert.'

"They're harmless when they're alone, but get a bunch of them together with a research grant and watch out."

Struggling Scientist, Please cite my papers.

'126,000 words done...now I just need to work out what order to put them in.'

Ethics ethics.

'I was close to a breakthrough when the grant money ran out.'

'It started with a simple case of peer review.'

Man confusing man using statistics.

The Book of 'Everything You Need To Know.'

'Our proposal didn't get the grant, but they want us to teach proposal writing.'

'Assuming present trends continue, the odds are quite good that we'll become the best-informed extinct species on the planet!'

'Institute for the study of innovative ways to get government grants'

Tenure.

The Academic Brain, showing parts: teach, write, do research, and (the largest part) serve on committees.

Stuff you need to know/Stuff You Can Do Without.

"Ralph is doing a preliminary study of re-inventing the wheel."

"This is Doctor Bagshaw, discoverer of the infinitely expanding research grant."