Absurdity Aficionado Gifts

"We found this in your brain."

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

'Not cars. here we're testing oblivious texters walking into walls.'

"Phil, could I speak to you for a moment, not as your doctor but as your horse?"

"Here's the problem...somebody set the laser printer on stun"

'Now, remember, when we get in there, let me do all the talking.'

"True, most accidents occur in the home. Rarely, however, do they involve two vehicles."

'We'll do the trim tomorrow, and we can diffuse that bomb if you want.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

Suddenly, cannibalism became the best option.

'Well, Hamilton, we can add 'discharge shotgun' to the list of things people who live in glass houses shouldn't do.'

"He is a service dog – he's my accountant."

"Okay! That's enough thinking outside the box."

"May I recommend the pumpkin seeds to starts?"

Brain in Jar.

"What does it look like? I'm running a little late this morning."

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"

One way only.

"How was I supposed to know she was allergic?"

'Oh, we've got an attic. Who knew?'

'You need some stress.'

'It's an absence note for yesterday. I had to go to court. I'm being charged with inside trading of Webkinz cards.'

'He called me a psycho.'

'You should have called me sooner.'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

A man is in a complaints queue to complain about a noose.

"We thought you might enjoy this more than a lethal injection."

"Well, there's something you don't see every day."

Fish swimming in a pint of beer.

Danger Loose Chippings

'Can I call you back? I'm going into a tunnel.'

Out of Order/Use window

Minefield

Naturist Hotel - Emergency clothes in case of fire.