Absurdity Aficionado Pillows

"We found this in your brain."

Man sitting in hospital bed notices a Goldfish swimming in his Intravenous Bag.

'Not cars. here we're testing oblivious texters walking into walls.'

"Phil, could I speak to you for a moment, not as your doctor but as your horse?"

"Here's the problem...somebody set the laser printer on stun"

'Now, remember, when we get in there, let me do all the talking.'

"True, most accidents occur in the home. Rarely, however, do they involve two vehicles."

'We'll do the trim tomorrow, and we can diffuse that bomb if you want.'

Suddenly, cannibalism became the best option.

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

'Well, Hamilton, we can add 'discharge shotgun' to the list of things people who live in glass houses shouldn't do.'

"May I recommend the pumpkin seeds to starts?"

"Okay! That's enough thinking outside the box."

"He is a service dog – he's my accountant."

Brain in Jar.

'Can I call you back? I'm going into a tunnel.'

'He called me a psycho.'

One way only.

"How was I supposed to know she was allergic?"

"What does it look like? I'm running a little late this morning."

'Oh, we've got an attic. Who knew?'

'You need some stress.'

"We thought you might enjoy this more than a lethal injection."

Danger Loose Chippings

Minefield

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"

Out of Order/Use window

"Well, there's something you don't see every day."

'Please listen carefully to the following options...'

Fish swimming in a pint of beer.

'You should have called me sooner.'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Naturist Hotel - Emergency clothes in case of fire.

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

'It's an absence note for yesterday. I had to go to court. I'm being charged with inside trading of Webkinz cards.'