Absurd Aficionado Gifts

"Riddle your salad with pepper, sir?"

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

Tourists and their Pets.

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

"Bigfoot"

"Where is everyone?" "You had 'everyone' killed." "Stalin family reunion"

Penguins flying to igloo birdhouse

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Glance Exchange

Extreme Sisyphus

Optimist

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"Squirting flower, squirting flower...."

"Who's next?"

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

'He refuses to leave without the tree and their son.'

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

"Valet park only"

One way only.

"I see you haven't forgotten how to play with your balls, honey." "Thanks."

Ship upsidedown in a bottle has rescue boat in bottle next to it.

Presidential surveillance ass!"

"It's my helper trout!"

Robber on treadmill

"Remember that time I let you steer the boat and we crashed and had to swim here to die? Remember?"

'I'll raise you, Lazarus...'

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

It was a pretty vicious attack. He's lost a lot of candy.

Boardroom sacrifice - 'Then we agree - the shareholders don't have to know what transpired here today.'

A convenient attack of swine flu...