Zen Master Wannabe Gifts

"And we'll close with a moment of silence for all the people with jobs who couldn't be with us today."

I kid you not, if he calls me 'grasshopper' one more time, I'm cleaning his clock.

Competitive Meditation.

"The meaning of life is having a spectacular view."

'Do you ever get the feeling that true inner peace is more darn trouble than it's worth?'

'We've been on the road to sexual enlightenment for over four hours...let's pull over for a coffee...'

'Do you suppose it's possible to become TOO enlightened?'

'Living up here is the best I can afford -- I'm still paying alimony from three past lives!'

Ed listens to one too many relaxation CDs...

NOW HIRING GURUS, 'I brought a resume for each reincarnation.'

'Becoming enlightened fifteen minutes before I did doesn't EITHER give you seniority!'

"You meditated once."

"No, I don't have any weed."

'The meaning of life is heads they win, tails you lose.'

'That's old Goopta - he decided to quit at the top of his game.'

Selfie/Higher Selfie

'You've been meditating up here for seventeen years and you still haven't extinguished your ego -- you ought to be ashamed of yourself!'

'Look, you two -- enlightenment isn't supposed to be competitive!'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

ABSOLUTELY NO SKATEBOARDING

"That's not a mantra! That's a CATCHPHRASE!"

Guru Shifted Thinking

'It's not considered good form to brag about extinguishing your ego.'

The Door to Anger Management Class.

'I've been reincarnated 47 time, and it's ALWAYS as some poor schlub sitting on a mountain!'

Annoying neighbours - irritating wind chimes

'I'm on my break right now -- can you come back next February?'

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

'All I said was - chill out don't flap!'

'No, you're not developing a third eye - it's just a zit.'

'I'd like to enlighten you, but what if you're just illusory?'

Zen and the Art of Procrastination.

'I bet I can extinguish my ego before you extinguish YOUR ego!'

Look Enlightened - Here comes the Guru.

'You want to know the sound of one hand clapping? Sure! -- Open your mouth and shut your eyes.'