Zany Humorist Gifts

"What the hell do you mean you don't think it's mine?!"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

"That vulture just appeared and started picking at my phone. My battery must have died."

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Please all just sit down and fasten your seat belts!!'

Paunch and Judy.

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'