Youth Commentator Pillows

"High school uniforms?! Can you imagine everyone wearing the same thing every day!"

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Occupant.

Sports Radio in Crisis

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Tree of Public Opinion.

Pundits

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

"Actually, we will replace you."

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

Chess on TV

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

The United States of Amazement

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"