Youth Commentator Gifts

"High school uniforms?! Can you imagine everyone wearing the same thing every day!"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Cartoonist thinking'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Occupant.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

Sports Radio in Crisis

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

Sir Patrick Moore.

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Tree of Public Opinion.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

Pundits

And now, for a rebuttal.

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comment section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Red State Football

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"Actually, we will replace you."

Chess on TV

The United States of Amazement