Age Commentator Pillows

"Everyone forgets: Before we were old white men, we were young white men."

"Aren't normal people your age usually in 'Loving and Committed Relationships?'"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Occupant.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

Pundits

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

Red State Football

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

'Well, yes, Jennifer -- I suppose Samson WAS sort of like Wolverine.'

'And now, an NBS News Special Investigative Report: Why doesn't President Obama get the respect and support he deserves?'

'He was an impressionist. Like that Alistair McGowan...'

"What if you go under before I need to?"

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

Maps to talk-show guests' homes.

Today's movies and TV shows give sex and crime a bad name.

I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think. About what, little buddy? Star Trek. The latest movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus. Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives.

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

The number of couples separating keeps growing.

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."

"High school uniforms?! Can you imagine everyone wearing the same thing every day!"

"All of a sudden, everyone seems younger than I am."

'so let me get this straight... you're famous for being the sister of the wife of a man who went to school with someone who knew someone else who is already famous?'

Baby Boomer Nostalgia

On today's "Ask Sadie" Radio Hour, we'll talk about the elephant in the room: Hillary Clinton's age. And Bernie's too. Forget all this PC nonsense, I'll just come right out and say it: Their age disqualifies them. These children don't know anything about life. I bet they haven't even gotten their first hip replacement yet. Nice to know we'll always be young to somebody. Earth is young to her.

"Coming up on political gymnastics, the next candidate will try a triple reverse flip flop..."