Would-be Hollywood Celebrity Gifts

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

'They all want to play the star.'

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Reese Witherspoon

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

'We'll send you to acting class when you're older. For now, get up and get ready for school.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'I don't know where to begin in deciding what I want to be when I grow up...I want people to shut and leave me alone, and I need lots of attention, so...'

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

Hollywood or bust!

Tom Cruise

Directors chairs on movie set with Model, Actress, and Whatever on them

"I'm thinking action roles might not really be your thing."

Welcome to Hollywood

"Have a career, and then if you want to try acting, you'll have my blessing."

So close... Yet so far.

"He's left a suicide screenplay."

"I'm not sure I'd want fifteen minutes of fame. Mum would only follow it with fifteen minutes of criticism."

"Hear me out. Batman - again."

"This area is popular with would-be actresses and models,we call it 'Silicon Implants'."

'I told you I'd make you a star.'

"When I grow up, I want to be a Presidential impersonator on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

Live the Dream!

'It's 'big office' meets 'poorly-received flop'!'

"I'm sorry. We don't want a ring-tailed lemur. We want a ring-tailed-lemur type."

"Well, Clive, what I REALLY want to do it wait on tables."

"That's enough therapy. From here on out, I think I could do a hell of a lot more for both of us as your agent."

I'm only a part-time waiter, I'm really an actor.

"Sure, if this was New York, I'd be your editor and you'd be the author - but this is L.A., so I'm your agent and you're the whatever."

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'