Worship Wit Gifts

'I do wish you would stop asking for change back when they pass the plate.'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

'The new lad's collecting shells again boss.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Drive-thru Church

"I'm starting slowly with a trainer who just stands around talking about his personal life."

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'Are they fresh?'

"You make a great point."

'This sermon will run a little longer because it's a sermon about sermons that run a little long.'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Groom decoration on wedding cake makes good his escape.

Frank and Ernest's Cerebral Questions. Today's question is would an "elbowhead" be smarter or dumber than a "knucklehead"? (Published originally on October 12, 2015.)

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"Yeah, I'm selling my bowling balls. Free delivery to anyone who lives downhill."

"A pox on your house red."

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'To get ahead in business, you can't lose your head. Pun intended.'

'Ferguson's not like the rest of us - he's AROUND the hill.'

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

Mensa Applicants - Please Form an Orderly IQ.

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

Church Parking

'Stand up straight!'

Oscar Wilde

Yeah, last words are like snappy comeback --- You always think of the best ones after it's too late!

"How's your exercise class going?"

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'