World-saving Wit Gifts

"Globally warm enough for you, buddy?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"I'll have a man overboard!"

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

A day at the UN.

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

Do you believe in money at first sight?

People want as much government as they deserve.

Greece Idyll

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

GPs press for sick note reform

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

Never judge a nose job at face value.