World-saving Wit Gifts

"Globally warm enough for you, buddy?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"I'll have a man overboard!"

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Do you believe in money at first sight?

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

Is this your father, little guy? No, lady, my father is a libel attorney, and you'll be hearing from him.

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

"You have a lot of unresolved anger and it's settled in your hat."

A day at the UN.

People want as much government as they deserve.

Greece Idyll

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

GPs press for sick note reform

Never judge a nose job at face value.

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'