Workplace Woes Fan Gifts

'I think we have a communication problem.' - 'You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Cog-In-The-Wheel

'How can they call it a shared sacrifice in this bad economy...when your pay cut was 10% and mine, 25%?!'

'You're overworked and underpaid. That's what gives you job security.'

That's the chairman's office.

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

A case of runaway forklift Doctor. Do we offer him any compensation?

"Our policy regarding paid vacations is - if you take a vacation, you'll pay for it."

"After being shorted on his bonus, Earl the maintenance man decided to remove all the toilet paper from the executive washrooms."

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

"Appointments. Disappointments."

'I'd like to sue my way to success.'

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

"No, we don't have a pension plan. We don't expect our employees to ever retire."

'Bernice . . . could you come in here please? Bring a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter!'

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'I don't know what to do about my check - grief or anger counseling.'

"Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character." "I thought my job depended on it." "I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal." "You said 'Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it.'" "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy... That's just a figure of speech." "You went on to say 'I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech.'" "That was a figure of speech too."

Mattress makers picketing in front of factory are sleepwalking.

Bothers my conscience a little bit/May keep me up for a night or two/Am I really stooping this low?

'Ageism at work'

"The boss complimented Bob today... but now he's afraid if he talks to him again he'll say something stupid and ruin it!"

'...but I'm already working as slow as I can.'

"A serf? We don't call you 'serfs' anymore. Nowadas we call you flexibly employed staff members!"

'It's spring, Boss! When a young man's fancy turns to union organizing!"

"I don't think this is a good place to work. Every time I fire someone or lay them off, they actually celebrate."

"Some people at work think you're a little to aggressive and intimidating."

The boss is world famous for his profound analysis of human nature, but to work here all you need to know one grunt is yes and two is no.