Workplace Woes Fan Prints

'I think we have a communication problem.' - 'You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Cog-In-The-Wheel

"Is that legal? Can the old man force me to take a performance-enhancing drug."

That's the chairman's office.

'How can they call it a shared sacrifice in this bad economy...when your pay cut was 10% and mine, 25%?!'

You read me a story about a workaholic little engine, and you expect it to make me sleepy?

'You're overworked and underpaid. That's what gives you job security.'

A case of runaway forklift Doctor. Do we offer him any compensation?

"After being shorted on his bonus, Earl the maintenance man decided to remove all the toilet paper from the executive washrooms."

"Our policy regarding paid vacations is - if you take a vacation, you'll pay for it."

'You're the very first employee to register your complaint via my 'open door' policy.'

'I'd like to sue my way to success.'

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

'Bernice . . . could you come in here please? Bring a can of hairspray and a cigarette lighter!'

'You're fired. The test results came back and you tested positive for crack.'

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

"No, we don't have a pension plan. We don't expect our employees to ever retire."

The Shepherd's Staff. . .

'I am sure you will enjoy working here until your inevitable layoff.'

"Appointments. Disappointments."

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

'I don't know what to do about my check - grief or anger counseling.'

"Thank you for coming in on your day off, minion. It reflects well on your character." "I thought my job depended on it." "I don't know how you got that impression. I would never force you to come in on your day off. That would be illegal." "You said 'Come in on your day off. Your job depends on it.'" "Rudy, Rudy, Rudy... That's just a figure of speech." "You went on to say 'I mean it. That's not just a figure of speech.'" "That was a figure of speech too."

Mattress makers picketing in front of factory are sleepwalking.

Bothers my conscience a little bit/May keep me up for a night or two/Am I really stooping this low?

'Ageism at work'

"The boss complimented Bob today... but now he's afraid if he talks to him again he'll say something stupid and ruin it!"

'It's spring, Boss! When a young man's fancy turns to union organizing!"

"I don't think this is a good place to work. Every time I fire someone or lay them off, they actually celebrate."

"Some people at work think you're a little to aggressive and intimidating."

The boss is world famous for his profound analysis of human nature, but to work here all you need to know one grunt is yes and two is no.

'...but I'm already working as slow as I can.'