Workplace Wit Collector Gifts

'I lead by example as long as I'm not held legally liable.'

"I've had my eye on you for some time, Parker....just what is it you're supposed to do around here?"

'I do good work... unfortunately, I don't do it here.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

Suggestives.

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

"Things must be worse than we thought - he's rationing the water and the biscuits."

"This position has become very important to the company."

I'm a self-made man!

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

How are you at decision making?

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Gee, you beat Roger again!'

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"Damn it,Frank,if I can't bully my staff, who can I bully?"

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'I'm working with a bunch of cavemen.'

"No more thinking outside the box Bamford. From now on I want you to do all your thinking inside your box!"

'Please Henderson - Not another one of your bright ideas!'

"Miss Jones, bring me into the 21st century..."

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

'Where's the fun in being an employer if you can't spontaneously sack someone anymore.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

'Your bonus as promised.'

If your ideas are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration...