Workplace Whisperer Gifts

'I've started an Employee Recognition Program. I know who you are.'

'You're not a team player, are you!'

'It has been brought to my attention that some of us are not working at maximum efficiency.'

"On Monday, they will introduce a new office layout and you'll be near Judy, who isn't good at sharing her charger. . ."

"For gosh sakes, Mike! Will you please quit interrupting me while I eavesdrop on Mary's gossipy remarks to Bill during Jean's important presentation?"

"Can I savor this for a few moments? The ball's never been in my court before!"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'I went into that meeting with a hidden agenda and then forgot where I put it.'

"Tech-support has confirmed it. Screaming and hitting the computer won't solve the problem. You'll have to try something else."

"The robots have become self-aware and self-loathing. Now all they do is write novels."

'Well, I'm not very satisfied with our customers, either.'

'What do you mean...You feel uncomfortable asking for time off?'

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

'Can you loan me *** till pay day?'

That endless instant between initial eye contact and conscious recognition.

Computer help.

"Love your feng shui!"

"I'm really great thanks. The boss loves my ideas, he says I'm ahead of my time!" "Hi John, how are you? Good meeting?"

Two computers are having a conversation, but stop when their owner enters the room.

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

'Decoding is often 1, 14, 20, 9, 3, 12, 9, 13, 1, 3, 20, 9, 3.'

"He works well with everyone except customers and co-workers."

"Just got back from the client meeting and great news. . . your work isn't dead. It's beaten senseless and run over by a dump truck...but still very much alive."

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"I think we might already have lost the next set of graduates, they don't see us offering a career path..."

"Tell the employees that from now I want them to do as I say, not as I do."

Computer whisperer.

'Then again - no pain, no gain.'

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

"It's important to see 'beyond the obvious' when you look at a customer. . ."

'Don't keep complimenting them on their work, or before you know it they'll be asking for a rise.'

'Loose lips sink principalships.'