Workplace Critique Enthusiast Pillows

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

Office temperature.

"And this is our new HR officer in charge of morale..."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"What are your other qualifications besides 'my daddy owns the company'?"

"I don't make the rules around here. I just enshrine them."

The president of a company see a sign: While you were out we hit the lottery!

Would anybody else like to ask a question before the stewards get to them?

"This is Mr. Norris. He'll be coming on board as a human shield."

Who's In Charge Here?

'Looks like Kryson is no longer in the inner circle.'

"It's the new man - he wants to know what the company retirement plan is."

'Can you remember where you were when you first realized you were full of crap?'

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

Suggestion box, one for suggestions and one for 'clean' suggestions.

'If a job's worth doing, it's worth off-shooting.'

Suggestion box paper shredder.

'They no longer take suggestions but they do offer tissues.'

'I'm sorry, but there's just no room in the budget for upward mobility... We're all making sacrifices...After all, I haven't been promoted in over twenty years.'

'This is about the poster isn't it?'

'No, we don't have casual Fridays, but we do have casual Saturdays, for employees who can't finish their work during the regular work week.'

"Something tells me his demands may be difficult to meet."

'Before your 'routine' surgery, your manager would like to stop by and give you a 'routine' exit interview.'

Company spokespersons statement being interpreted into plane English by a second spokesman.

Blame the Victims

"Call a meeting, Miss Pendleton. I want to hear some Corporate Creole."

Sign on office wall says: 'Mustn't grumble.' Employee says: 'You have to admit, it's not much of a mission statement.'

"We've increased job satisfaction. Now let's focus on productivity."

'The problem is, you don't take enough pride in your temporary, no benefit, below living wage job!'