Workplace Clown Gifts

'It's a part of my childhood. After years of neglect, I've decided to recapture it.'

Emergency Instructions

Managing your team is much easier if you can inject some humour into your relationships with them.

'If you ever got in on time I'd drop dead with the shock.' - 'Are you trying to bribe me?'

"That was a good interview. Do you have any other questions about this company?"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

'Since I'm new here, let's start by clearning the air. You may have noticed that I'm short for a C.E.O. . .'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Mr. Johnson, Bob is kicking me under the table!"

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

Shake it all about sign on desk

How are you at decision making?

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

Crane operator Jimmy Morrison liked to break in new guys by giving them what he called a 'sky wedgie.'

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

"It's the new simplified tax demand from HMRC. . . Three Questions - How much did you earn last year? How much have you got left? And how soon can you send it. . .?"

"You're new here ... it's customary on dismal Monday mornings to be miserable."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'Once, long ago, I thought I was wrong...but it turned out I was mistaken.'

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

Brainstorm in progress.

'I bet you think I'm drinking tea...'

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

'Kimble, I'm going to give you a chance at purchasing - nip over to the cafe and get me a cheese and pickle sandwich.'

Scapegoat of the Year