Workplace Banter Pillows

I'm not retired yet...I'm just practicing.

Barrier around water cooler

Water-cooler wildebeest.

'Bad news and good news, Tomano... they're abolishing my job and I'm taking yours.'

'How about having lunch with me? I'll pay you back at the end of the month.'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

"I'm overpaid and underworked, but you don't see me complaining!"

Food Chain, Inc: 'UP...DOWN'.

"If you could be in any cubicle, which one would it be?"

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"Yes, I saw the obituary. So, is that why you weren't in yesterday?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"If it appears that I only act like I'm working, it's because I minored in Theater."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

I've been working 20 hours a day. Well, that leaves you four hours to get to work.

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.