Office Banter Pillows

"We're actually gossiping at a water cooler instead of on social media. Does this make us hipsters?"

"When you're nailing the numbers, they don't ask questions."

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"It was a day like any other, so I guess I'll have the usual."

"I had considered hyphenating my last name, but now I'm leaning towards and underscore."

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"Until we get more employees to join, we'll just have to roll with the paunches."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

Man to realtor: 'How much for a starter cubicle?'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Bo're'droom

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

'The sunglasses idea would have worked if you hadn't started snoring.'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.