Workforce Warrior Gifts

'The good news is that we've created six new jobs...and the better news is that they're all yours.'

"Maybe I shouldn't ask where you see yourself in five years."

'We're looking for someone who would be comfortable toiling in obscurity for at least thirty years.'

After the layoffs, I had to do the work of seven mechanics. Steve. Ted. Sam. Mark. Hank. Ron. Lynn.

"I'm so happy to be back in the workforce I'll never complain out loud again about Mondays."

"The good news is that we've created six new jobs....and the better news is that they're all yours!"

'As you know, this is a Right-To-Work-Cheap-OR-we-send-your-job-to-Asia-state...'

'I'm not sure this is what Thomas Paine had in mind.'

"These are the only applicants we found. I think we need to start thinking about the salaries we offer."

I've always wanted to quit while I was ahead but the opportunity never presented itself.

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

37 years in the same position.

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"Morning, all!"

Low-Energy Drinks

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

What My Day Feels Like

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

"Now, let's get out there and walk really fast to places we don't want to be."

Hand Sanitizer Man, beloved superhero of every workplace in the world.

'I had no idea aspirin came in such a large bottle.'

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

'Go right in -- he's expecting you.'

'Did you just show your teeth at me Wilson?'