Wordplay Artist Gifts

At the party, Stewart went about it the wrong way when trying to break the ice.

'Keep an eye on it -- It tends to goof off.'

A Son of a Beach

"Pulp friction"

You should be clear and tell patients that Doctor Jones has an encyclopedic knowledge of diseases, not that he is "ill-informed."

Computer mouse hole

"Next time you have a hand warmer in your backpack, just say so. People get rattled when you say you're packing heat."

"The Equal Opportunity people say I can't call you my sidekick any more. You're now my personal assistant."

"I don't trust atoms...They make up everything."

Tom Stoppard

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."