Wordplay Artist Pillows

At the party, Stewart went about it the wrong way when trying to break the ice.

'Keep an eye on it -- It tends to goof off.'

A Son of a Beach

"Pulp friction"

Computer mouse hole

"Next time you have a hand warmer in your backpack, just say so. People get rattled when you say you're packing heat."

"The Equal Opportunity people say I can't call you my sidekick any more. You're now my personal assistant."

"I don't trust atoms...They make up everything."

Tom Stoppard

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

Backfire

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.