Academic Wordplay Artist Pillows

"He's so didactic, and his thinly veiled contempt clearly stems from the diplomacy he employs to keep the class functioning. He's an abominable English teacher!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Zombie standup

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

Backfire

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."