Academic Wordplay Artist Pillows

"He's so didactic, and his thinly veiled contempt clearly stems from the diplomacy he employs to keep the class functioning. He's an abominable English teacher!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Backfire

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..