Wordplay Wannabe Pillows

'Yes, I did tell you to name your salary. I call mine, Tiny Tim.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"That's it. We’re toast."

Backfire

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."