Wordplay Wannabe Gifts

'Yes, I did tell you to name your salary. I call mine, Tiny Tim.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Staff support"

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Zombie standup

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Backfire

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.