Wordplay Humorist Gifts

Missionary Statement: Spread the Word.

'Ben's disappointed. He thought it said 'stud'.' (Ed's Spud Farm).

'Hey man that's a gas!'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Staff support"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Zombie standup

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"It's not a party until someone gets plowed."

Backfire

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"Has anyone seen the dog?"

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."