Witty Skateboarder Pillows

'I've forgotten my knee pads, you've strapped a gas bottle to your head. I dunno. It doesn't bode well, does it?'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

'He never listened to his mother!'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

Sharp Eyes

You trip on it, you buy it.

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."

'I'd better check it for punctuation before you give it to him.'

"Wow, I cannot remember what I was saying."

Bagel problems.

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Bell Hop

Male On Sunday

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

Change Of Heart

'Before we get into the scope, the breadth, the gravity and the cost of this mess...pour yourself a drink...'

'I thought I could dance...'

Cottage Cheese

'You could use more fiber in your diet; go sow a few wild oat brans.'