Witty Investors Gifts

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

The day the stock market went UP.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

Saving for College.

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Oh, and one more thing

A statue of a businessman in a park with an inscription that reads "Outperformed the market".

'I actually look forward to hibernating during bull markets.'

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

"Where do you get your inspiration?"

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."

"We don't do that kind of cattle futures, ma'am. You want Madam Mystic down the street."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'May I have my allowance in gold bullion?'

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

"So is it good or bad if a stock is viral?"

'He writes one great work of fiction every year...his tax return.'

Looking Daggers

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'Stocks took a dive when a top economist was overheard saying 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.''

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"