Wise Parent Gifts

'You never make the same mistake twice. You always come up with a new one.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

'It will save us time if you don't tell me what still works and and what doesn't hurt.'

'I'm not sure if it's the programs or the commercials, but one is supposed to be a lot worse than the other.'

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

"What did you learn in school today that I'd object to?"

'We're not paprazzi. We're your parents.'

"Are you sure this is in your job description?"

'Do you mind if my son watches you cook? I'm trying to bring him up to be a vegetarian.'

"His room is always clean. Do you think we should take him to a psychologist?"

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

"Go ask your mother."

"The main, unchangeable principal that I use in life is to be pragmatic."

'Mother knows best, Dear, so stop rolling your eyes.'

Two breasts: No waiting

"Don't make me come over there."

"Do you provide any coupons that would allow me one free lie? It would help ease my conscience."

'Said once, and never again!'

"If it's important to you, Jessica. It's important to daddy, but I don't think it's important to you."

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

"Don't bother complaining about anything to granddad...he'll just say 'these are the best days of your life!!!'"

When you get to be my age, you start to notice certain patterns in the river of history. You start to notice, for instance, that the winner always loses. What's that mean? Every great power defines itself as the opposite of its main enemy. Once that enemy is defeated, the great power loses its virtues, its unity ... even its identity. The great power then either creates new enemies, or it fades into history. (Yawn) Old people talk a lot. What I'm saying is, you were not my first "Rudy Park," and

Now, my son, visualize yourself removing your diaper and sitting on the potty

I should have listened to my Mum: 'Never sit down during the hunting season...'

Quadruple espresso. Sorry, Uncle Mort. I'm gonna have to cut you off. I'm old! I can drink as much as I want, whenever I want! You think I got this old without knowing what I can and can't handle? Sorry. See?! I told you I - Zzz. A barista should always follow his instincts.

$200,000 to raise a kid in America! Do you regret the expense? Of course not, sweetie! You're worth every cent. That's a relief. Because I need $20 for the movies!

"Face it, Dear, we're in a desperate battle with gravity...and it's winning!"

'It's a little read book... the sayings of charwoman mum.'

"Nature, nurture or a bit of both?"

"I don't have a story, Tommy. I can offer a retrospective of your day, followed by a deep-dive to identify opportunities for improvement."