Winter Strategist Gifts

With a cold, cold winter...how to lower your heating bill.

"I've just barbecued my head again."

"If they want a snowball fight, then I'll give them one."

'I'll be glad when winter is over and he can start buryi8ng bones again.'

"Really! How many 'How to Survive the Festive Season' articles does one man need?"

"Your tires are spinning and you're stuck."

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

"OK then, I admit it. Installing the log burner was a bad idea!"

'Every time we clear all the snow another blizzard hits. We're cursed men Frank. Cursed!'

"I like to stay on top of things."

'Hours out here in the freezing cold and not a deer in sight! That's it - I'm going home!'

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

'I'll take ten, please.'

"That's the worst case of Cabin Fever that I've ever seen. Luckily, spring is right around the corner."

"Did no one tell you that at this time of year everybody flies south?"

'Don't drop that snow globe, they'll close the airport.'

"I'll see your two and raise you three."

'I see a lot of that at this time of year...you've got a nasty case of cabin fever!'

I'm starting a lawn-mowing service instead of going to camp. Excellent. Can I have a loan to get started? What for? Gas can, tool cart, mower blade, sharpening and insurance in case I cut off my foot or someone's prized peony. Maybe we can afford summer camp. It's a bargain.

St Bernard Toilet Holder

"It's a deal. Help me find the acorns I buried and I'll help you find your bones."

The Puck Stops Here.

"How can I word this Christmas card to my boss without wishing him a merry Christmas?"

'Get the 'extra hold' bear spray. I want to look good when we come out of hibernation.'

'Removal sounds politically incorrect.'

"Hey, it's March, so it's safe to put the snow shovel away, right? Right?"

"Remember you making fun of me for using a litter box? Well, good luck going outside now that it's freezing out."

How You Know It's Spring...

'War is heck!'

'You can get into enough trouble just in Geneva -- no way you're going to a summit conference in LAS VEGAS!'

With the Latest Snow and Frigid Cold Things to Consider . . .

SNOW WARS: The fight-back

'We'll only have a five minute window, everything has to be timed to the last second.'

"It's a bit derivative."

What can I say - Global warming enriches my life!